Chapter 7....

 Wow....

Thanks for tuning back in, I know I kinda left you hanging after Chapter 6, and it totally wasn't intentional.... 

But processing the last few months of personal health battles, international pandemics, lack of therapy and some other things, reliving certain parts of 2020 are a struggle.

However, we are back!

....My surgeon laughed, 'wow, Silvia?'

'Yea, Silvia... Thats her name', I went on to explain how after my weight loss surgery I named my stomach Shelia.

In the process of these procedures, naming things has given me a sense of ownership and control over things I truly don't have any over. My coworkers and manager all address Shelia by name too 

I signed what seemed like my life away on a stack of papers and tried to ask all the last minute questions I could?

But honestly what could I ask....

Silvia and the excess skin were going....period.

She gave me a list of instructions for pre and post instructions, the hospital wash (its soo gross),day of instructions and any how I would be contacted if there were any changes (remember she is super pregnant)

She advised because of my age, size of the mass, how she needed to cut versus how it would heal and how it was sitting on my uterus, Baby Crumb would be a C section baby...

At that point, I was shattered .

My dreams of how I would introduce my future baby to the world was snatched from me as she spoke, my visions of a doulas, and water births were instantly replaced with the thoughts of sterile rooms, bright lights and my body being sliced open (again).

Now, this is nothing against c-section babies, but it wasn't how I planned my future baby.....Not sure what mom plans a c-section, but God knows I didn't? 

This is the part of being a woman that no one prepares you for...

The disappointment of a things you never get a chance to embrace, and the fact that you can't control it. To this day, the subject of children can be triggering at times because I am not sure what my future looks like or if it is a possibility for me. 

(People are often insensitive to this, and what I have been through in the past few months.....Like no lie, I've been in bed with stitches and people have asked 'when are you gonna have a baby?'.....Truly not giving a fuck.)

My head was spinning as the doctor was still talking to me.... God knows I should have been listening but my mind was all over the place....I took all the print outs, and cards then headed towards the door to prepare for what all was getting ready to happen