Chapter 4; Anita Baker

The next day I have my first MRI.....

Whew...

This time I asked my mom to come with me, I was about a week and half out from the first doctors appointment that made the discovery... I think at this point it everything was started to take a toll on me?

After a few mix ups with my appointment, I snapped....

I literally cried in my moms lap.

The appointments, overtime at work, paperwork between work and medical, and overall fear just finally got me...Now keep in mind at the time I was about 5'9 and 220 pounds in my mom lap who is way smaller than me... I could tell the fear that was wearing on her too, because she had been down the road of appointments and surgeries with my brother (who passed from complications with Systemic Lupus in 2006),which made me cry even more. We were scared... Whatever it was, we knew it would get handled, but we were scared.

Okay, I've never had a MRI.....I had already been through what felt like a lot that i figured I'd be good... I go in the room take off all my clothes, jewelry, etc put in the locker and go in the room.

They put me up on the table ....

Gave me some headphones and asked me what I wanted to hear... I picked Anita Baker (don't judge me, you know Auntie is the shit)

And pushed me into the machine

LOST

SHIT

via GIPHY

Now as I stated I suffer from anxiety, so them pushing me into a unknown machine triggered an anxiety attack, including fear in the MRI tech. He stopped the machine , explained the process and continued the exam....

Remember how I said they said they would play Anita Baker?

Yea, I didn't even hear that shit because of the loud knocking from the MRI machine.

At some point I dozed off from laying still and the knocking becoming soothing....The tech comes in pauses my exam, and puts the contrast in to continue the exam..... I laid there still and silent fighting tears fearing what was my possible future

Before I knew it, the tech woke me up and sent me on my way.

And what do you do after a crying fit, and anxiety attack in a matter of a few hours?

I went to get my hair and lashes done, I mean I couldn't look how I felt

via GIPHY

Like I said, in all of this i had been attempting to maintain my normal life, but the weight of not full disclosing all of this to those who are close and preparing for unknown surgery started to weigh on me ....It had started to spill into some of my personal relationships, schoolwork and my job had started to become my safe place...Right.... my job had become the place I found my sanity.

Fashion cues for the Attractive and Mature....

For some reason everyone wants to claim to be 'grown and sexy'.....And for some reason cant dress the part... So Ive created my own phrase "this isnt for the grown and sexy,this is for the mature and attractive"....On the strength that those of us who actually are 'grown and sex' do not have to remind those around us EVERY 5 MINS or attend events named after this fad saying.....Attractive and mature have the form of dress that states it. So take these few helpful hints.... 1-Ladies;your jewelry needs to be simple and functional.A few simple pieces (not made of PLASTIC or from the hair store) say alot ....Perfect examples are.... a cocktail ring a silver 'return to Tiffany&co' bracelet or just something lite to put around your wrist a pearl necklace;classic AND sexy. a plain gold hoops <==NO,i repeat NO doorknockers a pearl earrings 2-Step your shoe game up,purchase a good CLASS pair of shoes What is a good pair of shoes you ask?A good pair of

I kinda did a thing......Nothing major...

Class of 2020 Photo credit Natasha Herbert

The tale of two identities.

As children, most of us are raised to go to college, get good jobs and strive for greatness. As black children, most of us are raised to go to college, be better than 'them' so you can't be denied, strive for greatness and act accordingly in spaces that are not our own. As a lot of us grow up, we take heed to our lessons, aiming for success, entering spaces (and tax brackets) that weren't able to be accessed by our grandparents and sometimes our own parents, but struggle because we aren't taught the rules of 'the game' nor do we start out from a equal space than our colleagues. Imagine taking your 5 year old child, telling them they have learn all the 1st grade through 6th grade material at once in a room full of 11 year olds who are already dealing with advance placement work... So we are forced to learn on our own and quickly, how to 'act' ,where to be authentic ourselves, which hairstyles to wear ,what to wear to off hours company events,

Confessions of a Fluffy Girl Trapped in the Midwest

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