Sunday, January 13, 2019

Wake me up when September ends.....

On September 20,2018 I did a super crazy thing.... 
I got up, went to Cleveland Clinic at about 5 am, got undressed, got an IV stuck in my hand and.....


09/20/18 My last pre opt selfies...
Yes, I did have lashes on during surgery.

I had weight loss surgery. 
Crazy shit, I know....
Note: Prepare yourself for ALOT of rambling.....So bare with me

 
Few hours after surgery....
I specifically told everyone NO PICTURES, but my mom never listens, lol.

For the past 115 days, I have hesitated speaking about the surgery, process, pre/post opt feelings, actual weight loss, wins and losses because the feelings of shame and failure.
Shame and failure in the sense that I had no control over my lifestyle or eating , and I had to have a team of unknown people come in redirect (and cut) me so I could live a longer healthier life. I feel like I failed myself because I didn't do what i needed to do and it was honestly so simple. Also dealing with the shame of so many people who cheered on my pre op weight loss and  how well I did prior to even getting a surgery date....I came off 300 +llbs prior to even having a surgery date.

I have been fairly quiet, private and even at times jovial about this past year, experiences  and the preparations that came with this decision..... 
One of the biggest reasons was fear, fear of things that would be said to and about me, fear of the unknown, fear of my life after 09/20/18, fear of judgment for 'taking the easy way out', shit even fear that I wasn't going to make it out of surgery alive.... I had a notebook with who to text if I died, who to text when I came out of surgery, my insurance policy information, my landlords info, etc ... I prepped myself and my family.
 
Two days after surgery


This was not the easy way out...
This was not easy, nor glamorous....What I haven't spent on groceries, I have spent on vitamins (which insurance does not cover), hair care products (because my hair is fall out),new clothes (because nothing fits), and occasionally a handful of antidepressants (so I can make it through the day).. But this is what I wanted for me, and my future to be/feel better..... 

  
Iron,B-12,Biotin,Zinc,Calcium Citrate,Vitamin C,Probiotic,Flinstone chewables
I take this laundry list of vitamins on the daily to make up for the food that I don't consume


Now don't get me wrong, I have been humbled (and blessed) in every step of this process, from the amazing surgeon, to even battling the insurance companies to get what I needed as a patient.I have seen and heard of so many women who weren't as fortunate as myself, so trust me when I say ,I was favored....and highly so. And because of the favor I know I have, I often feel horribly because I feel so ungrateful.

In hindsight, I truly underestimated the mental and emotional toll that this decision would take on me (and ultimately those around me), how vulnerable it would ultimately leave me (especially when I decided to do it all alone until the actual day of surgery), and how I should have prepared mentally just as hard as I did physically and finically. My healing process physically was a cake walk compared to the emotional.
I am a very different person now, with different needs, wants, and a new temper. I often have to remind myself and others that they aren't dealing with the 'same' Cookii. I have physically and mentally become a new person, so everyone deserves a learning curve.Things set me off differently now, I hate the feeling of being ignored, or the constant feeling of inadequacy. I need constant affection and often hate being alone......Its rough because this wasn't me.


 
My stomach two weeks after surgery 
They use this wild surgical glue instead of staples and stitches...



Why couldn't I be 'normal' and just be dehydrated all day like everyone else?

There have been some very dark days since since my surgery... 
Days that I have been angry, regretful , depressed and I am embarrassed to even say this but, suicidal.Things from my past came back to hunt me in a major way, things that I thought I had worked through (i.e. loss of loved ones, unaddressed break ups, prior abuse, etc). There have been nights and days where I begged God to take it, the pain and even me away (I am thankful in a MAJOR way none of those 'wishes' were ever granted even when I tried to assist the process). I often don't see the weight loss in the mirror and often have to look at old full body pictures to see any change. I cringe when people comment on how 'different' I look before greeting me, and hate when people grab on my body parts that are much smaller( yes people do this shit).
 Now this wasn't all triggered by the surgery, but ultimately it was the straw that broke the camels back.I have a toxic habit of sweeping hurtful things/events under the rug in an effort to often 'save face', appear to be 'unbothered', and to not appear to be 'needy' or even worse to concentrate on the healing of those around me. I don't fully process my trauma, and this situation left me to do just that..... If for no other reason than the time that I had to think, and be alone... Those 6.5 weeks were long, hard and lonely. Don't get me wrong, I had PLENTY of visitors, at some point maybe even too many...I was truly blessed that so many people drove, flew  hell even took the Greyhound to see and care for me and so many more that called/text/facetimed but it was still a hard process.

And while I am not back to 100 percent mentally (truthfully I don't think I started at 100 lol), I am able to identify and expand on my feelings.Something that I didn't do for the comfort of others and in efforts to avoid confrontation. This hasn't been an easy task, I've certain shook up some relationships and left some behind. I've learned the power in telling people 'you hurt my feelings' and how freeing it makes me feel as a person. I have identified how unhealthy certain situations are ,and how I can't let them derail me because I am honestly so fragile right now and need to be my first/only priority after caring for others for so long. I am learning that I also don't always have to be strong all the time, and to let other people love me, which is new *pre-MAGA Kanye shrug*

Shit.... I'll be honest because, this is my space and I can be transparent about the events in the past 115 days...... 
I am a mess
I'm losing my hair in clumps (eyelashes, and fingernails too), I've curved almost every human who has shown any romantic interest in me, my ex has driven me to tears on more than one occasion (which is a story for a different blog that will probably never be posted), I am still trying to wear my old clothes (to date, I've gone from a sz 22 to a possible 14?), I drink several times a week ,I often forget to eat until my blood sugar is insanely low, I'm falling out with people on a semi weekly basis, some days I isolate myself,I hate when people comment on my looks or ask how much I have lost ,oh and I tell people I'm on drugs in an effort to stop them from inquiring about my rapid weight loss .

Whew..



 
2016 vs 2019
I gained that happy weight, I had gotten a promotion, was in a somewhat healthy relationship, and traveling...

This by no means is to derail anyone from considering weight loss surgery, because everyones experience is different.If I could do it all over again, I probably would have done this years ago.Physically, I am amazing, and I got the labs to prove it! Mentally, I am still working through some things that I probably should have handled prior to all of this, but I have some pretty dope friends that have been rocking with me through this and are the reason I'm still alive, then there are a few people who have reveled themselves and their truth. This has been a learning process, learning not to be defined by the fucked up actions of those who I believed cared, learning to be my own best advocate and letting others love on me while I do it, learning to manage my emotions, learning that a big part of the weight loss wouldn't be physical weight but actual people that I've loved, and most importantly learning that those that I was there for wouldn't be there in this stage of my life. 


This has been a rollercoaster, to say the least but I'm still here.






'As my memory rests

But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends'


-Wake me up when September ends, Green Day

3 comments:

  1. Noone could ever be prepared for life's changes no matter how planned lige seems to be...the beautiful parts are that you are able to address,face, and commit even hourly to conquering yourself to meet YOU. Hopefully thru it all you've allowed yourself the room to breathe and appreciate the journey..albeit difficult. Sending you love forever and be sure to stop the people from touching you...you KNOW how I feel about that! You are an inspiration siStar!

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  2. Great read. I’m very proud of you !

    Moni

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