Monday, July 30, 2018

Strays....

My name is Cookii..... and I'm a 'fixer'

(crowd says 'HI COOKII')  


Not on any Olivia Pope shit....Even though, I'm pretty sure the current administration could use my help.I'm pretty sure I couldn't do any worse..I'll save that blog for another day though.

More of Sinclair from 'Living Single' mixed with Iyanla Vanzant.....with a pinch of Cardi b (Okkkkurrr) . I give the best hugs, sound advice with a teaspoon of adorably colorful ratchet antidotes, sounds pretty accurate if you know me.

But seriously I've always had an unhealthy fascination with 'strays', bet it a friend, romantic interest, family member, whoever.... I just feel drawn to them.

As a kid, I would bring stray cats home and would try to feed them. 
Sounds noble ,right?
Almost adorable?
But I am terribly allergic to cats, so I still would bring them home in attempts to feed them milk and tuna (sidetone Im also allergic to tuna)... Whole entire time my eyes are damn near swollen shut,im breaking out and I almost look like 'Hitch'.
(Thank God, my mom doesn't read this or else she would kill me for feeding them)
After I would feed and love on these cats, they would leave.....often never to been seen again. 
(Interestingly enough, I later developed a fear of cats...... ) 


I tend to do the same thing with humans.... 
I pick the most damaged, emotionally unavailable , toxic human being and attempt to pour love, good energy and positivity in them.... Literally the human form of the strays that almost killed me as a child.
Once they are healed or received whatever was needed at the time, much like the cats, they leave..... often never to be seen again (typically returning to whatever f*cked up situation that lead them into being hurt)

The funniest part is despite knowing that the strays (both human and feline ) were harmful to me, I would still feel the need to indulge.... The need to love and nurture on someone, something that I know wasn't good for me , while suppressing my needs be it love, or Benadryl.... 
Cheering people on knowing I needed the same encouragement for my own accomplishments. 
I couldn't tell you how many times I have had to have a xanax after hours of phone conversations with friends, family members, and former parters because I given career, love, educational advice that I know they are going to listen to anyways.....

I have done this for so many years that I refuse to discuss 90% of what upsets me or actually verbalize what I need as a person, friend, child, partner or woman.  I internalize things and hide them under the burdens of those around me while they are probably killing me with their bullshit ( Benadryl does not work for bull shit allergies, trust me). I have silent meltdowns once I can no longer handle things in my own life or I have healed/nurtured all those around me and left myself with nothing to work with .....

And yes I am smart enough to articulate all of this but dumb enough to continue to let it happen... 
Yet brave enough to post it to my blog.... Maybe this is my subconscious trying to control the f*ck shit , I have been letting slide.....

As I continue on this journey that I have been on for the past few months (something that deserves its own blog at a later date), I have come to realize how important self care is, and how I can no longer  pour into situations that do me harm, especially ones with no emotional return......I have also realized that in my quest to heal the world, and feed the strays, I have made myself hard to love because I don't know how to let anyone care for me.

Getting back, and healing pieces of myself that I have given so freely to so many has been one of the hardest things I have ever done but there has been so much power in it. It hasn't been easy, there have been lots of uncomfortable moments, call out, unanswered calls/text,shut downs,meltdowns and ALOT of sage burning......

As a woman and certainly a black woman there aren't spaces for me to express frustration, hurt or pain, despite my cries for help because we are seen as having an attitude, angry, aggressive, etc.
So much like others, I give up on expressing myself, sharing somewhat important information (and I get my ass chewed out regularly for this) and creating boundaries.

I have had my fill of strays, the ones on four feet AND the ones on two feet... Time for me to experience the best parts of me.... The parts I've given away for so long.





 


2 comments:

  1. I love that you've reached this place of self awareness! Took me years to reach this place as well.

    My personal (and unsolicited) piece of advice... Remember that nurturing is in your nature and should you feel the need to do so, do it. Don't apologize for activating your inherent character to uplift and empower. That's a gift that you can't erase. What you must do is shift your emotional perception of it and your emotional attachment to the action itself.

    If (or when) you find yourself choosing between your own safety (be it mentally, physically or emotionally) and the happiness of someone else, CHOOSE YOU. You can't carry anyone on your shoulders if you're lying on the floor.

    But if helping someone takes nothing away from you, it is a mere action that your heart is screaming should happen, recognize that our higher power is asking you to step in and change a life. Do your task and walk away and let their change happen organically. You don't have to micro-manage someone else's life. Don't feel like there should be a pat on the back, congratulations or fanfare. Remember that you were solely a vessel in which God needed a thing to happen through...

    LASTLY I LOVE YOU! You should never feel that if you needed anything, you couldn't come tap on my shoulder. I'm also a giver willing to feed into those I love. Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank Goddess that you’re finally learning to put yourself first! Sometimes, we have to learn hard lessons, and one of the hardest lessons to learn is that just because we see one of God’s creatures in need of love (be it animal or human), doesn’t always mean that they will see what we need and love of back. Especially after they get what they need.

    I want you to pour all of that love into yourself until you begin to overflow and everyone else can soak up the excess love you have for self. And if there isn’t any excess, that just means you need to indulge in self-care/love and replenish the source to avoid being drained.

    I love you, Sis!

    ReplyDelete