Thursday, August 24, 2017

Confessions of a Bridesmaid pt 1

So one of the biggest honors in adult 'girl' world is asking your sisters ,besties, flossy posse, or whatever to be your bridesmaid.......

And as if life as a (often) single, (super) broke millennial is not stressful costly enough....


You say yes   


You say yes to the next 12 months of spending a small fortune, starving yourself for a dress that you will never wear again (hell not that you want to wear it again), arguing about the difference between ivory, off white and eggshell , tending to about million GroupMe/Group text/pinterest boards all hours and times....


And why the hell do you torture yourself like this? 
Because its some kinda sacred tribal ritual that women need some type of part in..... 
(Im sure you are laughing at this point but Im so serious)   

Wedding and specifically bridal parties bring the strangest behaviors in women, like its really some ole National Geographic type shit to watch, but its all based on one consistent variable that controls all of this....

The Bride
  

You have the 'Beyonce' bride, she wants the bridal party (her bridesmaids), in TOTAL  'formation' / She is slightly nicer than the Bridezilla but trust she is still sending Pinterest boards at 2am because the closer the date gets the less she (and you) sleep. She is gonna ask for the most in the most passive aggressive semi sweet way..... 


And speaking of Bridezilla, we all know one... She is kinda annoying, and a little bit of a bitch on the regular so she is about 20 times worse as a bride. She assumes that you are gonna want to spent the next 9-12 months attending her dress trials/fittings, learning some kinda complicated number the Queen Janet, Saint Beyonce and Rihanna the great wouldn't attempt to do
....Oh and did I mention that she is gonna pick the most expensive dress that NO ONE looks good in? (Come on,Sis.... Why am I spending $300 on a dress to look like a reject Teletubbie?)  

Note: If you value your friendship with her,  think real hard if you want to be in her bridal part because she gonna pluck nerves you didn't know you had? And if you value your sanity DO NOT BE THE MAID OF HONOR,SIS! 



Then there is the ' I need to lose 15 albs' Bride..
She is total focused on how thin (or fat) she will look in the Facebook wedding pictures that she isn't even really paying attention to her bridal party.  So your best bet is to show up dressed and wearing the Target necklaces that she just remembered to buy when she was picking up new yoga pants for the class she takes on her lunch break instead of eating. 
....Just be prepared to hold up her hair when she wants to throw up the fourth of a cupcake she ate at the wedding shower.... 


One of my favorites is the DIY Bride 
Now she is serious, she is going to go super hard on each detail. She has Pinterest board for every stage of this  and one for her own damn bridal shower( you know the one she asked you to throw). We all know this woman, she is the one that wants you to spend your Friday nights 'spending time', which really means come over and build the table centerpieces while eating her doughy ass homemade pizza and drinking $6 wine she bought off the clearance table at he grocery store.... You literally just convinced her not to bake her own wedding cake.... 
She has replaced sleep with watching YouTube videos about creating paper flowers out of newspaper  


There is the 'Destination 'Bride ...
Not only do you like her as a person because you are attending her wedding, but you love her because you probably spent about 2k on travel, hair, dress, etc  to be in it too.... This bride is probably one of the more easy going ones honestly, because she knows the money she is saving her bridal party is spending....
As you start tallying up your expenses and figuring out if you are gonna eat Top Ramen for a month so you can buy your Bridal tee, Bridal swimsuit and passport just call it a vacation 
.... You will feel better, trust me.


.....And again you ask WHY THE F**K are you making yourself miserable for 6months to a year only for it to all be done in about 30 minutes?  
Because she is your friend, you love her ,you wouldn't miss it for the world and  most importantly.....if the shoe is on the other foot, that Bitch better put it on! 










Special congrats to all my girls who got married this summer....
Leah, Tyla, Luvecha, and Lauren



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