Monday, February 20, 2017

Love Language ....

As #100daysOfCookii goes on, I have a lot of moments of self-discovery....

I was recently talking to a friend of mine and she told me, that part of my issue is that I don't how to be loved....

I know it sounds like an insane concept.

Like how does a person not know how to be loved?

After it was broken down for me, I realized it....  I can say i honestly don't know how to be loved, how to be cared for, how to be catered to.....I am often just given trinkets because its assumed that its what I desire.... I am so caught up in my day to day, as the planner, the nurturer , the cheerleader, the lover that I honestly couldn't tell you the last time that someone did (or could ) do any of these things for me. I tend to naturally take this role because its partially just who I am. I care for my family, I was a manager at my previous jobs for many years, I pick the restaurants, the destinations for vacation.... This is who I am. So when I sat back and thought it about.... It was true.... And not even in just my romantic relationships, but just my relationships in general.... 

So then I talked to another acquaintance, who told me that I simply sought those who didn't speak my 'love language'. I have allowed others to love me in the way they felt it was okay but not in the way that I needed for so long. 

And then it hit me....
I have received all kinds blue boxes, sneakers, dresses, dinners,etc  from partners that ultimately didn't work out for one reason or another. I could never honestly figure out how someone could possibly shower me with gifts, trips, etc but not love me..Which sounded impossible considering what I had shared with these partners... After my conversation with that acquaintance and some others, I realized that it wasn't that they didn't love me, they didn't know how to..... Because I didn't project what I actually need from their heart, so it was most often from their pockets.

Now don't get me wrong, I am no damn fool.... I can't sit here and act like I didn't enjoy the diners at the beautiful restaurants, the Jordans, the blue boxes from Tiffany's, and trips to Kate Spade or like it meant nothing to me, because I loved all of it.... I appreciated the hard work that was put in to get me these things, but at the end of the day, when my partner is no longer there....
There I am....
And it all becomes just 'stuff' 
I'm just sitting there alone with 'stuff' and memories of what was...

So I took one of those online quizzes to find out what my love language was..(You can take it too )... I found out based on my answers, it was not 'Receiving Gifts' it was 'Quality Time',which made all the sense in the world considering the number of long distance relationships I have found myself in over the years... Some of my happiest moments have been eating take out (I am starting to hate sitting in restaurants,probably because I don't like wearing pants) and laying in the arms of the person I am dating and falling asleep (because I don't Netflix and Chill, I Netflix and Nap).... After sharing my partner with the world for whatever length of time we are apart, the last thing I want to do is share them with a crowed restaurant or dirty movie theater (well unless its one of those nice theaters with the leather seats,I always take the best naps there).

While I enjoy the tokens of affection( because honestly, what girl doesn't love gifts?), I think at this point I desire intimate moments, quality time, nights in, etc.  

As much as #100daysOfCookii has been about just caring for myself, I am also taking major strides of discovering myself, and God,  it has shown me what I need as person, a partner and woman.....
And while I am not loving all of what I am discovering, I am grateful that I have taken the time out to finally stop ignoring it and acknowledge it....

I know my love language and finally happy to be able to speak it....


-Cookii







3 comments:

  1. Ahhh the unfolding of life's lessons..what a beautiful flower😘

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  2. Seeing "the light" & "life flashing before you" isn't as scary when you realize it's enLIGHTenment. I'm proud of you & your journey! Keep up the amazing work ♡♡♡

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  3. The best part of knowing thyself is discovering the little things that make up YOUR world.

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