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Two weeks later......

So I am about two weeks into the #100daysOfCookii

And can I be honest?

(I'm never really not honest on this thing......)

Oh this shit has been TRAGIC, okay maybe I am being slightly dramatic? Well maybe I'm not......


But seriously, it did start out kind of rough. I found out the truth about things I had been denying to myself, lost an additional few pounds (that I did nothing to lose),came clean about some things that were on my chest  and decided to take the quarter off from school to take care of me. 


But as far as my goals are concerned, I did make a little progress......

  • Dedicate one hour a day to me and something I love or will provide me some type of substance - I did actually take some time to write more (obviously), and color.... Yea, color... I found some peace in it, and its impossible to bother someone who is coloring...
  • Buy myself things and not feel bad..... I will literally not buy myself things I desire because I subconsciously think of others and their needs? - I actually purchased some cute things that I had been wanting and didn't feel bad... I didn't flinch. I even got my nails done (which I NEVER do).... I may actually get them done again? 
  • Save some damn money, i know the bullet point above is a total contradiction.... And while I have gotten so much better about my saving habits, I know I could be doing so much more..... -I put some money in my savings, just like I was paying a bill, the only difference was.... it was to me
  • Put my phone down...... I couldn't possibly tell you how often I am trapped on the phone call or text with someone about something I could care less about (sorry to those who know me personally), It is so seldom that I utilize that dope feature on the iPhone.... You know 'Don not disturb'- I am learning to put this thing down, maybe not to the point of DND yet.... But certainly when to call it a quits for me, I am starting to actually think 'Ash, do you really need to respond to this?'........
  • Commit to find  space for myself.... -My quest for space is still continuing, both mentally and physically.... I am learning about what I need in my physical space, and what boundaries  I need to create for my mental....
  • Tell two people I love them daily..... Sometimes the best way to serve ourselves is to put what we need in life out in the universe ourselves and with the constant conversation of this cheat attempting to build a wall, I have to push a little love out there ..... - I have made this a practice daily, and although my purpose is to care for myself, brightening someone else day has become apart of my healing.... And I know i said I was really working on myself, but honestly, who couldn't use a little love?
  • Invest more in Cis4Cookii.com ,I have some real loyal readers both new and old that deserve more from me..... Maybe even a little give away will come in April to celebrate the 100 days of Cookii - Of course Chaz has been in my tail for good reason about my new layout, photos, and expansions for the site so its coming!!! 
In the changes that I have started to make I can't say that I'm that Im living this amazing life and not struggling with the same things that originally drove me to this point...

Its a process.  

It is a process, a painful process....
Realizing that I have taken on the problems of others to hide how I actually felt/maybe going through or letting the burdens of others deter what I have felt or wanted to do, often hiding my pain behind humor ......I am notorious for these things, its so bad I do it without thinking.... I have found myself changing a topic in an effort not to discuss how I feel or sharing something because I don't want to deal with it. I am learning that transparency is key in a lot of this , well that and not hosting pity parties.
This transition into living for me has come with some sleepless nights, long mornings,tequila , tears, wine , time alone, anxiety  ,tears and did I mention tequila ?

Lemme stop sounding  like Jaisen's crazy drunk aunt....... 
But as you know, I really like tequila... 

But no, seriously...  I have started to collect my pieces, and while they may not go back together in their original order, Im not mad at it ..... Honestly it may be best that way for me to move forward with the changes I have planned for the next few months..... 


- Cookii

Comments

  1. <3 I love you sis and your words truly hit home I am always here no matter how far or how long it's been you have helped me many times and still till this day with your kind words

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