Saturday, January 21, 2017

The Stopwatch.....

I am about to touch on something, slightly out of the norm.....
 Something a lot of people don't know about me...



I often think of my future children,
I know right....ME of all people...
Which is crazy, because this time 10 years ago (hell maybe even 5 years ago),
I had no interest in motherhood because I was traveling, working, just getting to know what works for me as a woman......Shit I was becoming a woman honestly...


So fast forward to now.... at 30....
I have 3 beautiful Godchildren ,1 adorable fairy Godchild, of course the cutest  niece ever (I'm not just saying that because it is said that she looks just like me) and now thinking of my own children.

I think of how they will look and act...I even have their names picked out...
Carter, a boy with chubby brown cheeks, bouncy curly hair (that I will probably never know how to manage),who has a love for running through the house, jumping and flipping on my damn couch and wearing sneakers just like his mommy....... Then there is Ryann, a little girl with curly afro puffs, sun kissed brown skin,long legs that will probably be covered in purple bandaids (I mean if she is my kid, chances are she will be clumsy, ha) and enjoys playing in my make up no matter how many times I tell her not to. I've actually seen them in my dreams, running , playing ,even fighting over whatever silly things that they will.





And with all the changes in the world (and in my life for that matter), I think about them constantly....
How they could bring peace to the craziness that is my life with just being there....
How they can make they can make the world and myself even better....
How being their mom would just be everything.


Sounds beautiful ..........right?

Ideally birth and motherhood is,especially if it is shared between two parents or even two people who can tolerate each other  .....
So throughout the years the idea that I would or could embark upon this journey myself has become super real, and I've battled with it the older I have gotten. I have called myself waiting for the 'perfect' partner, and thought I have met the ideal coparent for my desired unborn only only to have my heartbroken at the end because my dreams of romance and family may have been shattered before they were even fully created.
So at 30 my dreams of giving my future kid(s) the ideal two parent home that I had a child seems so impossible and I could possibly be following in the footsteps of so many women before me.....
The single mom.
Except unlike my mother (who raised my older brothers alone until later meeting my father),both grandmothers and few cousins, the lack of a stable second parent would actually be my choice.

Yea, a self created single mom.....
Honestly, I'm slightly shocked that this is taboo as it is.....
I mean we as women are capable of doing so much on our own, if its planned or not that I often wonder why this isn't a possibility for more women who no longer desire to wait for Mr./Ms.Right ?
Especially when the odds of becoming a single mom are so great in the first place.

Why not just save any type of  heartache and just go for what we desire?

Have we gotten caught up in the ideal that a woman is more desirable because she has no children?
Or that a nuclear family is the only way to raise 'normal' children?
That we should wait for the 'right' time? When in the grand scheme of things....
No time is ever really right.

I mean at what point do you realize that your biological clock is becoming a stopwatch and take fate in your own hands?? 



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