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Okay...

I have a confession...

For the past couple of years, I have been in an abusive relationship.

Wait.... 

Before you all get up in arms, let me explain.....

I have been in an abusive relationship with myself. As I have dated in my adult life, I have caused myself some serious harm. Dating and being infatuated with those who showed me they weren't for me, and yet I still stayed.....Thinking I could love them through whatever plagued them, show them how they should be treated, or that I could save them.

Yup, I stayed. 

I stayed putting myself at risk, my time, my emotions, my money, my everything for someone who would more often than desired leave me in tears 6- 18months later..... 

I have a habit of loving hard,while its not a horrible thing... The damage it comes with when its not in the correct space often feels like I'm coming off a drug cold turkey? And I sit there riddled with 'shoulda' ,'coulda', 'wouldas' about why things happen they way that they do, and ignoring the most important part; the roll I played...... Knowing that the writing is often on the wall before we make it out of our first year. But staying in it is the self abusive part, and I could possibly tell you why I (or anyone else for that matter) do it.

I will put myself on the back burner for the one I love...

What I have learned is there is a fine line between selfless and stupid..... And well I can be woman enough to admit, I have been stupid in some situations. I am so willing to love individuals with unresolved issues, hidden issues (that eventually come out)and insecurities because you can't pick who you love. I will let myself go without things I know I need and desire as a partner for the comfort of someone else...... Crazy shit is, I know better? Or do I ? 

So now that I have discovered this, now what?

I guess putting it in print makes me create some type of accountability for myself? I guess this all means that I have to be real with whomever I date going fourth, and most importantly myself about what I need as a partner,lover, and friend. And stand firm about what is and is not acceptable for me at this point in life. ....... 

Comments

  1. This truly just gave me life!!! This like your other post was mind provoking. It was great.

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