Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Okay...

I have a confession...

For the past couple of years, I have been in an abusive relationship.

Wait.... 

Before you all get up in arms, let me explain.....

I have been in an abusive relationship with myself. As I have dated in my adult life, I have caused myself some serious harm. Dating and being infatuated with those who showed me they weren't for me, and yet I still stayed.....Thinking I could love them through whatever plagued them, show them how they should be treated, or that I could save them.

Yup, I stayed. 

I stayed putting myself at risk, my time, my emotions, my money, my everything for someone who would more often than desired leave me in tears 6- 18months later..... 

I have a habit of loving hard,while its not a horrible thing... The damage it comes with when its not in the correct space often feels like I'm coming off a drug cold turkey? And I sit there riddled with 'shoulda' ,'coulda', 'wouldas' about why things happen they way that they do, and ignoring the most important part; the roll I played...... Knowing that the writing is often on the wall before we make it out of our first year. But staying in it is the self abusive part, and I could possibly tell you why I (or anyone else for that matter) do it.

I will put myself on the back burner for the one I love...

What I have learned is there is a fine line between selfless and stupid..... And well I can be woman enough to admit, I have been stupid in some situations. I am so willing to love individuals with unresolved issues, hidden issues (that eventually come out)and insecurities because you can't pick who you love. I will let myself go without things I know I need and desire as a partner for the comfort of someone else...... Crazy shit is, I know better? Or do I ? 

So now that I have discovered this, now what?

I guess putting it in print makes me create some type of accountability for myself? I guess this all means that I have to be real with whomever I date going fourth, and most importantly myself about what I need as a partner,lover, and friend. And stand firm about what is and is not acceptable for me at this point in life. ....... 

1 comment:

  1. This truly just gave me life!!! This like your other post was mind provoking. It was great.

    ReplyDelete