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June 13th

I remember this day quite well....
Long after the nightmares have stopped...

Ten years ago today,I woke up with no appetite really.... My parents house was quiet ....
Even Prince, the family dog seemed not eat or do much?

We got in the car, rode down to the hospital that had become our second home over that week,praying for some kind of miracle,but really preparing of the inevitable ..... 

Days prior the doctors brought us in the conference room, sat us down and told us that he wouldn't make it,the his organs would soon start fighting the machine, and the rest of his days could be spent in a vegetative state. I remember sitting there angry... Angry at doctors, angry at him,hell even angry at myself for whatever stupid argument we had weeks prior?

We went to his room, was met by so many of his friends, former coaches,family members, and nurses who were so perplexed as to why he had so many round the clock visitors... I actually remember a nurse saying ' Is he a celebrity? Like a professional athlete?', I told her 'He is my brother'. 
Throughout all the commotion, all the people, the sounds of all the machines, his room was still peaceful,laying there peacefully just like he was sleeping comfortably.

A lady who worked in the hospital brought two large pieces of clay,so we could make hand prints of his large hands,and keep them for my mom. I remember trying to press down his hands,even in this state,his body was still so solid and strong that I struggled to get the imprints in the clay.

We cramped as many people as we could in that room, people who had drove hours, and those who had drove minutes....People stood silently in the hallway .

Someone led a prayer, we bowed our heads...... I remembered feeling like they sucked the air out the room...And being hot.....They continued to pray.... I felt like the room was spinning....Then I was numb.... I looked over at him....I felt lost,not sure how... I mean my parents and my brothers were in the room,how could I be lost? My only biological ties to the world were right there......

The nurse walked around, with a upset look on her face, as if she had known him her entire life too so slow unplugged the machines, I tried not to watch him or her.....Thinking that I may jinx it.....As she cut off the final machine, I finally made eye contact with her ,hoping that it wasn't true.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes, and then I knew.....

He was gone forever. 

I stood there confused, did this really happen? Did I watch this ? What happens next?

So much has happened in the past ten years.... So many moments that I wish he was here for... 
So many moments that missed his smile,horrible jokes and laugh.... So many times, that I look at our niece ,and wish she could have met her Uncle Jerome.....He would have adored her more than I do,if that was even possible.....

Then I wonder if they ever met,if there is a universe somewhere between here and the other side....Where he met her and sent her down to us as an effort to watch his twin brother, the same way he did in life.....

I love you, Jerome.
(This was my prom day, and his 29th birthday....The last photo we have together. I was so pissed because we was super sweaty and gross after BBQing)


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