Time to be real with myself.......

I've always prided myself with the ability to being able to be confident in my physical appearance , or being able to alter it to appease myself.

I didn't like my hair
....I bought all the hair money could buy
I didn't like my lashes
.....I bought enough mascara, faux lashes and xtreme lashes to last two years.
I didn't like my breast (I know,yea right)
......Tried every bra on in Lane Bryant and bought six of them
I didn't like my option for plus size clothing
........I sought out exclusive pieces and designer clothing

I have also been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who have always thought I was beautiful....Which is a gift and a curse......
A gift in a sense that not everyone has a circle or a support system like I do. I have amazing parents who made sure they told how beautiful I was everyday,I was never really teased as a child about my size, and my friends have always praised my beauty,confidence,etc.
So what is the curse?
Eh,such praise and attention has enabled poor habits and good self esteem, which almost equals nothing. I have just gone through life being okay with my appearance.

So I guess you are wondering what exactly Im getting at,huh?
Don't worry Im getting to my point soon.

As the world said women like me advocated an unhealthy lifestyle,I prided myself on my style, clothing, and the fact that I avoided fluffy girl cliques (i.e. joining the gym during the beginning of the year, did fad diets, took diet pills).....And it wasn't because I didn't want to be active, I mean if you know me you know I can't sit still, Im extremely active,Im not really a couch potato or a homebody..I was active all through school; girl scouts, hourse back riding, field hockey,soccer,etc ........Im just rebellious, I always have been, I have to be a hard ass about EVERYTHING.
So I didn't want to go to the gym, because I felt like it was admitting something was wrong with me,my life was out of control, and that I wasn't happy with my physical appearance which couldn't be further from the truth. Then there was the little voice in my head who couldn't be caught dead in the gym sweatin and jigglin in front of those fit and lean people.

So on January 8,2013 I went around the corner to the 24 hour gym, to sign up......I spent about $80 for my first month,which I honestly would have spent on shoes or eating out...
I signed up to take charge of my life, because the fact is my life is out of control ....I have been living out of suitcase for almost two years,keeping late hours,eating whatever I wanted in the middle of the night, not sleeping,drinking enough calories for several meals,etc. I am so lucky that I have gotten away with this for so long without injury and major health issues.

So this is the beginning of my journey......
Its not to become a size 2 (because my head will look too big),
Its not to impress anyone,
Not to fit some designers mold,
This is for me,
To add structure to my life.

This is my journey.....
Just watch.


1 comment:

  1. I really like this blog. Good luck on your journey.