Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Size and the standard of beauty ;The little girl in the pink jumper

So lately I've been battling with some deamons as far as my appearance.....

As a bigger girl I have learned what can make or break you in terms of beauty.....
Yet I still find it shocking when people find me attractive.I'm very shy,and often it hard to believe that people find me beautiful......I always resort back to moments of my childhood....

Picture this.....
A chubby bubbly lite skin girl with braids and barettes in a pink and white shirt,deniem jumper,white socks,and pink/white nikes(eh I was a 90's kid) comes to her desk and sees a note....
"Dear Ashlei
Will you be my girlfriend?"
The little girl looks over to the most popular boy in class,who happens to be smiling at her from ear to ear.The youg girl sends a note back,"Yes"backwards "s" and all....Later on that day as the children file out of their lines for recess,the girls on one side stepping,playing house,and the boys on the other wresling,playing football,etc.....A yung man approaches the chubby lite skin girl as she plays with her classmates,looks at her and yells...
"Ashlei, Sean says he don't wanna be your boyfriend cuz he don't want you to sqush him,cuz you FAT!"

...The otherwise happy lil girl,stands there completely embrassed,fights back her tears for what feels like 100yrs,turns and runs to the rest room to cry her eyes out for the rest of the recess,until her teacher comes to get her.....Moral to the story,kids are mean...Well not exactly...Keep reading...

Various moments like that from my childhood have shaped my adulthood,feelings about myself,and relationships....
I'm often very shy,and often scared when comments about my appearance is made. Almost complusive when it comes comes to clothing,hair,lashes,nails,waxes,etc.....often spending hundreds of dollars a month to meet what seems like an unatamable black standard of beauty.....All of this is covered up by a false confidence I carry...As the former self proclaimed Plus Size Pin Up,and now 'Miss Cleveland'I come off confident,and femmine...But actuallity I'm jus plain ole Lei Lei from the Burbs.....still that shy little girl in that deniem jumper who is scared she is gonna sqush someone.

I'm often amazed that ten plus years after elementy school school I'm still hunted by memories.....Now you can sit and say I'm being dramatic,but much like kids women are CRUEL....I often find myself feeling like running to the bathroom crying from embrassment when an men screams at me "yo shorty is big but she is sexy as f**k!" or "I like a big a** broad!"or my favorite "Yo you look good for a big girl"...That is NOT a compliment...It IS embrassing.... I DO feel some type of way.....

So now at 24 I feel some type of way when callers seek me out because of beauty that is unknown to me....or they feel discouraged to show me love be cause they receive no feedback since I'm so obvilious to them and their feelings....Or worse I dont take them or their advances towards me seriously

Please dont get me wrong...I love me...
But ...(you knew there was a but)
When you stand next to all these pretty and beautiful women day in and day out especially in the business I am in and the one I study in or even when I travel,its hard not to get lost in the sea of it all and feel like that lil girl in the deniem jumper..

10 plus years later,I still feel like Im wearing that damn jumper?

2 comments:

  1. Blessings, Ashley! You sound like me when I was 24 years old! Beauty is on the inside and loveliness is on the outside. Neither have to do with weight. So the next time you are feeling that way stop that negative thought and say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. I am a flawless diamond shining resplendently for all the world to see! I am beautiful and perfect because was made in God's image and God created me perfectly!" Grace & Beauty!~Queen Diva

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  2. Ashlei, Its allright i understand where your coming from. You were the lil light skinned girl and i was the tall skinny girl. I didnt get fat until a spout of depression took place after i was 14 years old. I mean i was always chunky but not how i was in high school. i graduated high school at 300lbs on a good day. In high school i was fat and in a small town of only skinny white cheerleaders. I am a white girl but i was no where the cheerleader. The problem is i was in the rich neigborhoods my parents made the same amount of money as anyone else of the brats but i was fat. I was doing lane bryant because there was no torrid around me and they were doing express and holister. as a fat person you are expected to always be happy always a good personality funny fat F*ckn clown. Im so tired of that stigma. My 4 year old emeory is built like me and his dad Hes a solid mass just built like a damn line backer. not fat just overall tall and solid. i worry he will go to school fat and be made fun of...however boys are different. They more have the attitude of beating butt if someone crosses them wrong. i just fear tho if my child becomes obese will i fail as a mother? will he blame me for him being overweight. Thats a huge fear as a parent. you always want the best for your kids but do we ever do enough. we fill our childrens mouths with mcdonalds and cakes and pies. I just feel i will fail and i hope he never feels the pain that you and i felt growing up.

    I love ya cleveland <3

    hey yall boro :)

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