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So much to say....
Just can't find the words to say it all.

Bear with me.

-Cookii
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I know who needs to hear this....

I forgive you..
For the physical abuse.

I forgive you,
For the lying, and for the cheating.

I forgive you, 
For making me feel like I was inadequate .

I forgive you ,
For making feel like the abuse you gave was deserved .

I forgive you,
For projecting your past trauma on me

I forgive you,
For accusing me of miscarrying what would have been our child.

I forgive you,
For leaving me when you said you would never.

I forgive you, 
For making me feel like love had to be that way

I forgive you,
For making me think that if I was smaller or prettier that things would be different

I forgive you,
For calling me 'broken'






Here is to a new week  life  
x0x0, Cookii

Hat or Hood?

Dear Black Gay Men,
I love you,
You are valued,
You are Kings..

x0x0, Cookii

This weeks attack on Jussie Smollett has left me sick to say the least....


*Prepare yourself for some more Cookii rambles...*
As a black woman I fear on the daily the fate of black men every time they leave their house,
As a friend to a lot of homosexual men, I worry about the world not seeing them for who they are and trying harm them because of who they love,
As a black woman with a lot of black male homosexual male friends, I fear the safety of my friends, brothers safety because they are not only black males, but also gay..... 

This attack has gone to show that this country has gone so far backwards that no matter how accomplished, how polished, how educated, how famous a black man is, he can still be the victim to someones caveman ass hatred.... He is still no higher than the derogatory slurs to describe him.

As we analyze this DOUBLE HATE crime, we see a divide in points of view.
An accomplished black man is recogni…

15 FAQs.....

Jan 2018 vs Dec 2018  I haven't been able to get rid of that red shirt just yet, so some days I wear it around my waist

In the theme of transparency , I will answer some of the questions I get frequently (even some of the ones I said don't ever ask lol.) So here is the top 15 questions I am asked the most, in no real order...

1. When did you decide to have WLS and what made you do it? 
About 2.5 years ago I was in a relationship and we were planing to have a baby, I knew I was going to have a rough pregnancy due to some weight related health issues that I had..... So in an effort to start the kid off right I made the decision to take my pre opt health a bit more seriously ...I also wanted to break some generational health curses while utilizing things that I have learned about food as  I have gotten older.

2. Do you still plan to have kids?Can you have kids?
Yes, a Baby 'Crumb' is still the stars. However since I have had surgery, it has been suggested that I wait 18 months …
So as I stated in my previous blog I had weight loss surgery........
The experience itself has been....uhhh life changing to say the least. The physical (and mental changes ) have been...interesting, lol.
But one of my biggest challenges outside of my emotional changes has certainly been fielding questions and comments of others when they hear about my 'lifestyle change'. Until recently I have been fairly private about what I was doing and intrusive questions being part of the reason.... 
So I have created a list of things you should STOP saying to people after weight loss surgery... Granted everyone is different but certain statements/ questions you should kind of use some kind of discernment because at the end of the day this is a medical procedure that deserves sensitivity like anything else .
'OMG, you weren't that big': The fact that you used the word 'that' means you have acknowledged my larger size (thanks,I guess) ,and unless you are a medical profession…

Wake me up when September ends.....

On September 20,2018 I did a super crazy thing.... 
I got up, went to Cleveland Clinic at about 5 am, got undressed, got an IV stuck in my hand and.....


09/20/18 My last pre opt selfies... Yes, I did have lashes on during surgery.
I had weight loss surgery. Crazy shit, I know.... Note: Prepare yourself for ALOT of rambling.....So bare with me
Few hours after surgery.... I specifically told everyone NO PICTURES, but my mom never listens, lol.
For the past 115 days, I have hesitated speaking about the surgery, process, pre/post opt feelings, actual weight loss, wins and losses because the feelings of shame and failure.
Shame and failure in the sense that I had no control over my lifestyle or eating , and I had to have a team of unknown people come in redirect (and cut) me so I could live a longer healthier life. I feel like I failed myself because I didn't do what i needed to do and it was honestly so simple. Also dealing with the shame of so many people who cheered on my pre op weight loss a…

Mo' money, Same problems....

One of the reasons I LOVE Cardi B is because she is as she describes a 'regular regular' girl.
via GIPHY

But with that comes 'regular' problems.... girl drama (Nickii), 'haters' and issues with husbands/partners.

via GIPHY

Now don't get me wrong, I was totally #teamBarSet until I watched him exhibit the same disturbing  behaviors that I (and a ton of other women) was healing from myself.



The shit is mad toxic. I was recently at a party and explained WHY the #barSet drama was so triggering  to women (or people in general) and why people cared, simply as this ; 
While celebs are regular people are the end of the day, we often watch their lives on social media as a release from our own. I mean seriously wouldn't you rather escape your paper pushing to ride on private jets and shopping? 
Right, I digress
Secondly, most women have been in Cardi's position, just not with such expensive make up gestures or embarrassment on an international level.... So watching a w…