Sunday, January 13, 2019

Wake me up when September ends.....

On September 20,2018 I did a super crazy thing.... 
I got up, went to Cleveland Clinic at about 5 am, got undressed, got an IV stuck in my hand and.....

09/20/18 My last pre opt selfies...
Yes, I did have lashes on during surgery.

I had weight loss surgery. 
Crazy shit, I know....
Note: Prepare yourself for ALOT of rambling.....So bare with me

Few hours after surgery....
I specifically told everyone NO PICTURES, but my mom never listens, lol.

For the past 115 days, I have hesitated speaking about the surgery, process, pre/post opt feelings, actual weight loss, wins and losses because the feelings of shame and failure.
Shame and failure in the sense that I had no control over my lifestyle or eating , and I had to have a team of unknown people come in redirect (and cut) me so I could live a longer healthier life. I feel like I failed myself because I didn't do what i needed to do and it was honestly so simple. Also dealing with the shame of so many people who cheered on my pre op weight loss and  how well I did prior to even getting a surgery date....I came off 300 +llbs prior to even having a surgery date.

I have been fairly quiet, private and even at times jovial about this past year, experiences  and the preparations that came with this decision..... 
One of the biggest reasons was fear, fear of things that would be said to and about me, fear of the unknown, fear of my life after 09/20/18, fear of judgment for 'taking the easy way out', shit even fear that I wasn't going to make it out of surgery alive.... I had a notebook with who to text if I died, who to text when I came out of surgery, my insurance policy information, my landlords info, etc ... I prepped myself and my family.
Two days after surgery

This was not the easy way out...
This was not easy, nor glamorous....What I haven't spent on groceries, I have spent on vitamins (which insurance does not cover), hair care products (because my hair is fall out),new clothes (because nothing fits), and occasionally a handful of antidepressants (so I can make it through the day).. But this is what I wanted for me, and my future to be/feel better..... 

Iron,B-12,Biotin,Zinc,Calcium Citrate,Vitamin C,Probiotic,Flinstone chewables
I take this laundry list of vitamins on the daily to make up for the food that I don't consume

Now don't get me wrong, I have been humbled (and blessed) in every step of this process, from the amazing surgeon, to even battling the insurance companies to get what I needed as a patient.I have seen and heard of so many women who weren't as fortunate as myself, so trust me when I say ,I was favored....and highly so. And because of the favor I know I have, I often feel horribly because I feel so ungrateful.

In hindsight, I truly underestimated the mental and emotional toll that this decision would take on me (and ultimately those around me), how vulnerable it would ultimately leave me (especially when I decided to do it all alone until the actual day of surgery), and how I should have prepared mentally just as hard as I did physically and finically. My healing process physically was a cake walk compared to the emotional.
I am a very different person now, with different needs, wants, and a new temper. I often have to remind myself and others that they aren't dealing with the 'same' Cookii. I have physically and mentally become a new person, so everyone deserves a learning curve.Things set me off differently now, I hate the feeling of being ignored, or the constant feeling of inadequacy. I need constant affection and often hate being alone......Its rough because this wasn't me.

My stomach two weeks after surgery 
They use this wild surgical glue instead of staples and stitches...

Why couldn't I be 'normal' and just be dehydrated all day like everyone else?

There have been some very dark days since since my surgery... 
Days that I have been angry, regretful , depressed and I am embarrassed to even say this but, suicidal.Things from my past came back to hunt me in a major way, things that I thought I had worked through (i.e. loss of loved ones, unaddressed break ups, prior abuse, etc). There have been nights and days where I begged God to take it, the pain and even me away (I am thankful in a MAJOR way none of those 'wishes' were ever granted even when I tried to assist the process). I often don't see the weight loss in the mirror and often have to look at old full body pictures to see any change. I cringe when people comment on how 'different' I look before greeting me, and hate when people grab on my body parts that are much smaller( yes people do this shit).
 Now this wasn't all triggered by the surgery, but ultimately it was the straw that broke the camels back.I have a toxic habit of sweeping hurtful things/events under the rug in an effort to often 'save face', appear to be 'unbothered', and to not appear to be 'needy' or even worse to concentrate on the healing of those around me. I don't fully process my trauma, and this situation left me to do just that..... If for no other reason than the time that I had to think, and be alone... Those 6.5 weeks were long, hard and lonely. Don't get me wrong, I had PLENTY of visitors, at some point maybe even too many...I was truly blessed that so many people drove, flew  hell even took the Greyhound to see and care for me and so many more that called/text/facetimed but it was still a hard process.

And while I am not back to 100 percent mentally (truthfully I don't think I started at 100 lol), I am able to identify and expand on my feelings.Something that I didn't do for the comfort of others and in efforts to avoid confrontation. This hasn't been an easy task, I've certain shook up some relationships and left some behind. I've learned the power in telling people 'you hurt my feelings' and how freeing it makes me feel as a person. I have identified how unhealthy certain situations are ,and how I can't let them derail me because I am honestly so fragile right now and need to be my first/only priority after caring for others for so long. I am learning that I also don't always have to be strong all the time, and to let other people love me, which is new *pre-MAGA Kanye shrug*

Shit.... I'll be honest because, this is my space and I can be transparent about the events in the past 115 days...... 
I am a mess
I'm losing my hair in clumps (eyelashes, and fingernails too), I've curved almost every human who has shown any romantic interest in me, my ex has driven me to tears on more than one occasion (which is a story for a different blog that will probably never be posted), I am still trying to wear my old clothes (to date, I've gone from a sz 22 to a possible 14?), I drink several times a week ,I often forget to eat until my blood sugar is insanely low, I'm falling out with people on a semi weekly basis, some days I isolate myself,I hate when people comment on my looks or ask how much I have lost ,oh and I tell people I'm on drugs in an effort to stop them from inquiring about my rapid weight loss .


2016 vs 2019
I gained that happy weight, I had gotten a promotion, was in a somewhat healthy relationship, and traveling...

This by no means is to derail anyone from considering weight loss surgery, because everyones experience is different.If I could do it all over again, I probably would have done this years ago.Physically, I am amazing, and I got the labs to prove it! Mentally, I am still working through some things that I probably should have handled prior to all of this, but I have some pretty dope friends that have been rocking with me through this and are the reason I'm still alive, then there are a few people who have reveled themselves and their truth. This has been a learning process, learning not to be defined by the fucked up actions of those who I believed cared, learning to be my own best advocate and letting others love on me while I do it, learning to manage my emotions, learning that a big part of the weight loss wouldn't be physical weight but actual people that I've loved, and most importantly learning that those that I was there for wouldn't be there in this stage of my life. 

This has been a rollercoaster, to say the least but I'm still here.

'As my memory rests

But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends'

-Wake me up when September ends, Green Day

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Mo' money, Same problems....

One of the reasons I LOVE Cardi B is because she is as she describes a 'regular regular' girl.


But with that comes 'regular' problems.... girl drama (Nickii), 'haters' and issues with husbands/partners.


Now don't get me wrong, I was totally #teamBarSet until I watched him exhibit the same disturbing  behaviors that I (and a ton of other women) was healing from myself.

The shit is mad toxic.
I was recently at a party and explained WHY the #barSet drama was so triggering  to women (or people in general) and why people cared, simply as this ; 

While celebs are regular people are the end of the day, we often watch their lives on social media as a release from our own. I mean seriously wouldn't you rather escape your paper pushing to ride on private jets and shopping? 

Right, I digress

Secondly, most women have been in Cardi's position, just not with such expensive make up gestures or embarrassment on an international level.... So watching a woman who spent the past almost two years winning, and having the fairytale we all wanted on some level get shitted on is like reopening a wound.. It can be simply off-putting for those of us working hard to 'have it all'. 

And then there is Offset....
While I applaud the public efforts to get his wife and family back, I (like most ) am not impressed by any of his fuck boy deluxe antics..... And find it all to be super selfish honestly....
Between the public posts causing more drama and attention while this woman is working while grieving the loss of her relationship, the fact that he needed to disrupt her while she was at work by coming on stage during one of the biggest performances of her career (stealing her moment as FIRST WOMAN to headline Rolling Loud) and lastly all of this drama MONTHS after she had his baby while she could very well be battling postpartum depression (yall forget women of color get that too) shows a blatant lack of regard for her, her health and her career.

I mean seriously, he called her 'bruh' in his PUBLIC APOLOGY 

I know I may sound like I am dragging this, but ask yourself this, would his public apology while she was at work would be as cute, if Cardi B was in a boardroom? courtroom? call center? 
No, it wouldn't.
Offset is a brutal reminder that no matter how much money or how well a woman does for herself, she can still be subjected to undeserved bullshit at the hands of someone who 'loves' her. For a week this man has been putting on this show for all of the world but has yet to acknowledge the root of the problem; the cheating, and lying. Offset has been making solo decisions while in a whole partnership, leaving Cardi to be the one to 'save face' and be graceful while the world is watching her be done so wrong..... 

I have dated Offset (well not literally but stay with me)....
I was romantically involved on an emotional rollercoaster with someone who cheated, embarrassed me, and lied to me.....My 'Offset' gave me the same make up gestures, just at a lower price point; the flowers, gifts ,and social media post, but none of which ended up meaning much, because the moment I lowered my guard, I was slapped with more of those same behaviors that lead us down our path of destruction.  I am at the point of my healing that I don't completely blame  my 'Offset' for where we are at this point in life, I know that I could have made better choices in our situation, like not listening to friends and family when I was told I should stay (something Cardi is obviously being given since it was her PR that walked him out last night). While her circumstances are slightly different, I was not married nor did i have a child with my 'Offset', so Cardi will have to have an actual exit strategy , when I could have just left during the first situation. 
I have been Cardi before, taking up for someone who had no issue doing me wrong because I assumed we shared a mutual love for each other, all while subconsciously ruining my self esteem trying to figure out what made this person do me wrong, doing more, giving more of myself because I thought that could fix things between us when in all actuality, this person didn't love me enough to 'fix' us (or maybe even themselves on some level).

While I completely side with Cardi because I been her, I still want Offset to do better because he has a little girl who make decisions on love based on how she sees her mother being treated .

Do it for the Kulture.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Dear #airportAlan

Dear  #airportAlan, 
Your video was sent to me a few times yesterday, and I can't lie seeing you (what I presume as a cisgender, heterosexual white male) being tackled to the ground was slightly amusing....
Then you said something that struck a nerve... 
As you begged ,and screamed in fear...
Now, I don't know the reason as to why your altercation with the police started but let me fill you in on a few things... you know, coming from a BLACK PERSON....
  • If you were treated like a black person...... Those same three officers wouldn't been half as gentle. Yea, I said it GENTLE. They would have called for about 2 more officers and you would have been instantly kicked, punched, and choked from every angle. 
  • If you were treated like a black person.....Pepper spray wouldn't have been held inches from your face, it would have been a gun.... 
  • If you were treated like a black person..... You would be a hashtag, your family would be holding a press confrence begging for justice, your murders would be on vacation (I mean 'administrative leave') and if the case ever went to trial it would be 14months to 2 years later .
I've crossed paths with a lot of men like you, Alan. 
Fragile men whose biggest issue in life is trying to figure out which Izod button up you are going to wear, men who simply voted for Donald Trump because you refused to cross party lines despite knowing better, the kind of men that think Colin is 'just making a fuss with this those whole protest thing', the kind of men who instantly become tense when a black man comes in the room but LOVE Lebron and Steph Curry ,you know the kind of men who couldn't possibly be racist because you have 'black friends', but never actually invited one in your home.

You made your statement in an effort to get attention, and to mock the men and women who have been murdered at the hands of those we pay out our tax dollars to 'protect and serve' us all. 

When you said those words you didn't see Philando Castile's girlfriend and child's faces in your head,
When you said those words you didn't speak Alton Sterling, Eric Garner, Jamar Clarke,Walter Scott, Eric Harris ,Tamir Rice, or Michael Brown's names.
When you you said those words, you didn't think of our men, women and babies (because yes they kill our BABIES) as actual humans who are murdered in alarming rates on camera with no justice being served. 

Your statement not only exposes the  harsh realities of unjust treatment of POC (People of Color) as a standard but the fact that you could say it so comfortably from a place of privilege and live to see another day is almost a slap in the face to everyone person of color who has lost their lives in situations similar to this.
Hell, your statement exposed the fact that there is an expectation that white males  in the airport should be treated differently than black people in the airport.

We don't live in same Amerikkka, Alan.....
I hope for your sake you never have to visit ours, its obvious you wouldn't last.

Sincerely yours, 

Thursday, August 16, 2018

August is Black Business Month...

So apparently August is BLACK BUSINESS MONTH, and no one told me.....
( I swear I'm late to everything) 

In honor of BBM, I want to shout out 31 of my FAVORITE BLACK BUSINESSES in no particular order of course because honestly I could never rate these amazing individuals ....

Note: Alot of these are my own personal contacts...... 
So sue me, I gotta good BLACK lawyer  

1. Beatrice Dixon, owner of The Honey Pot Feminine care products 
This black owned line of care products are vegan,fragrence free, sulfate free , paraben free and safe girls/teens too.You can find these dope products in your local Target and Whole Foods!
Click here to receive 20% your purchase of these amazing washes, pads and lady wipes! 
Promo code FRIEND-26RZ5XN

2. Jessesca Dupart, owner of Kaleidoscope Hair Products
Now you know this lady holds a special place in my heart ,after seeing her speak last February for FREE (and she has grown half of black America's edges back after Beyonce snatches them on the regular ).This hair mogul turned inspirational speaker is the owner of Kaleidoscope Hair Products , you know the one that sells Miracle Drops?  She has an entire line of amazing products for all different hair types! 

3.Kashmir Thompson, owner of Kashmir. VIII 
If you ever been to my home or seen me out, you will probably notice her art. From shower curtains to tote bags, Thompson's eye catching original art work is always a statement in any from. Her pieces are always super fun, bright and of course original.
This black girl is truly magical (maybe its because she is from Cleveland) 

4. Raynell 'Supa' Steward ,owner of The Crayon Case
From 'Kitchen Nightmare' to owning a successful cosmetic company, The Crayon Case. I couldn't possibly not mention IG celeb turn businesswoman, 'Supa'. Ive followed this woman for YEARS listening to her hilarious tales #storytimeWithSupa, to watching her family grow along with her business. This woman has capitalized off of being candid, unapologetic, and authentic. 

5. Shalah Turner, owner of Conscious Consulting 
She is a business woman, a college graduate, a Delta, a world changer,native Clevelander and a mom....And that's just what she does during the week (outside of the mom gig). She is your favorite rappers consultant and helps feed a few thousand people everything thanksgiving.I have had the pleasure of knowing this woman on a personal level and watched her conduct business with the same grace, and passion that she gives on a personal level. Her and her team offer everything to get your business off to right start from business strategy to project management .
If you are interested in taking your business to the next level click here for more details

6. Mary 'Mz Skittlez' Seats,owner of Cupcake Mafia 
Another Cleveland girl making magic on multiple levels. If you are from Cleveland, you probably remember her humble beginnings as a local rapper (you know, Skittlez with the colorful hair!), well she is now an author of two books,the owner of Cupcake Mafia, Icing Agency and investor to her daughters business, The Zoey Amore collection (how many infants do you know with their own business?).

7. Patryce Critz, owner of Blended Candles Co. 
This awesome New Jersey native is the owner of a small company that literally has every scent you could possibly think of ..If she doesn't have it, trust you can request it! 

 8. Natasha Herbert, owner of Natasha Herbert Photography  
Remember that couple that did an Michelle and Barack Obama theme engagement shoot?
Yea, that was Natasha Herbert.
She is an artist, a visual storyteller, 5 star vender on The Knot,lover of love in all forms, and booked up for probably the next two years,lol. 

9. Chef Linda Berry, owner of Chef Linda Berry Catering 
Some people make art, some people can cook... Chef Berry has mastered both. Berry offers catering, personal chef services and cooking classes. This amazing chef multiple degrees and certifications paired with her love for good food, this beauty is a beast in the kitchen. 

10. Brittney Penn, owner of Lace Xclusive  
This New Orleans native is the one behind alot of the signature looks from the gorgeous King Amyiah. Remember those beautiful healthy looking 40 inch bundles, and all that brazilian hair that was colored (and stayed FLAWLESS).... Yea, you guess it, those were Lace Xclusive bundles. Penn is not only a successful business owner, but also a mom to three , college grad and wife. Lace Xclusive not only offers amazing virgin hair but exceptional and reliable customer service..... 

11.Chef Eric Roger, owner of Black Box Fix  
When you come to Cleveland, after you see the Rock Hall, the Indians ,the Cavs, your next stop has to be Black Box Fox (The Fresh Fix, or Sweet Fix). This dedicated father, husband and chef is the specializes comfort food for almost every palette. 

12. Monif Clarke, owner of Monifc.Com 
If Barbados didn't give us nothing else, they gave us Monif C (and Rihana of course). Clarke has been a leading trendsetter in plus size fashion for over 10 years. Trailblazing  the industry of plus size ready to wear fashion.

13. Teyana Taylor, owner of Junie Bee Nailz 
While she is the owner of Junie Bee's, this is totally not why she made my list...
No shade, No T 
(After the way sis dragged ole boy who should not be named,I don't want no smoke with Petunia )
This woman literally stopped and restarted her tour in a matter of 48 hours, while still keeping her dates (possibly adding new ones.... Sis, come back to the Land, we miss you), fans happy and team on the road.... If that isn't a boss move, I'm not sure what is..
Keep that same energy, T.

14. Ashley Hairs, Mua and Vlogger for FashnJunkie 
I have worked with a few make up artist in my day, and she is definitely one of my favorite go to artist (and not just because sis is one of nearest and dearest ). She is a self taught artist who can literally teach herself anything from acrylic nails, to the newest hair style to sewing a dress. Her channel is humorous,informative and always on trend. 
15. Tanisha Jamison, owner of Shaker Child Enrichment Center 
This mom of three and newlywed is the owner of a daycare in Shaker Heights, Ohio. SCEC offers reliable , safe, fun care for infants to school age children. SCEC is a Step to Quality 3 Star award winner.

16. Ariq Barrett, owner of Black Kids Can Cook 
Chef Ariq is a Philly native who simply wanted more for his community. This father of two and husband has successfully run several non profit events for Philly. Black Kidz Can Cook is a community program teaching young chefs recipes, food safety, budgeting, entrepreneurship ,all while empowering each little chef's self esteem. This program runs all summer in the city of Philadelphia .

17. Sean Coleman, owner of Destination Tomorrow
Sean Coleman heard his community cry, and wiped its tears. After realizing a need for a safe place for the underserved LGBT youth in the Bronx, Destination Tomorrow was born. Destination Tomorrow offers a wide variety of programs the LGBT community including (but not limited to); technology instruction, finical literacy, trans healthcare clinics, support groups, 'KiKi' balls, etc. 
18. Ieshia Leverette, Realtor
This proud military spouse and mom of 2 adorable girls is a realtor super woman! She has taken her experience as a military wife and turned into a lucrative business assisting military (and civilian) families find their dream homes. Leverette is a Military Relocation Professional, and a proud member of the Veteran Affairs Real Estate professionals. Ieshia is based out the Virginia area.

19. Jeremy McBryde, owner of Comfort La
Cleveland native (I'm trying to tell y'all, we breed greatness out here ), actor and now restaurant owner, Jeremy McBryde is the owner of one of LA's best restaurants, Comfort La. With the a colorful staff , laid back atmosphere and amazing menu, you can't help but to find a bit of comfort with McBryde in LA.

20. Kelli Lee, Author and Owner of Third Eye Unblind
This talented Houston resident offers custom greeting cards, tarot card readings, poetry and blood type research. She has recently released her self published book, Daily Free Poems.

21. Ashleigh Fehr, Realtor
This Georgia based realtor offers beautiful homes, and top notch service in Atlanta/ surrounding areas. She is a strong negotiator  , area expert and trusted resource.

22. Will Jones, owner of Earl X
Artist, Will Jones specializes in vibrant acrylic paintings that make a beautiful addition to any home or office. 

Chef Geoff Thomas one of Cleveland top young chefs is a husband,dog owner and owner to three establishments . His food affordable and tasty.
This man makes one hell of a taco bar.

24 Camille Janei, owner of Eye Love by Camille Janei 
'I believe that everyone should be their own kind of beautiful because bold eyebrows never hurt anyone'  
Camille Janei is a Howard and Aveda graduate who owns her own, by invitation only luxury brow studio in Cleveland,Ohio. Her business is not limited to just brows, she offers lashes, microblading, and body waxing 

25.  Hope Redd, Realtor 
Hope Redd is a realtor servicing the Cleveland,Ohio area. Redd specializes in property management , first time buyers and dream homes. 

26. Chasity Montgomery, owner of Train Pretty With Chas
Chas is a Cleveland based fitness instructor and health coach. She teaches classes with her community, 'The Pretty Squad' that makes working out fun yet effective.Chas mixes muscle building work outs with a healthy amount of twerking that make her clients feel sexy and free. 

27. Greg Tillery, owner of We Dat Food Truck.
Tillery is actually no longer the owner of We Dat Food Truck, but owner of two locations of We Dat in New Orleans,LA. I had the pleasure of stopping by last march on .75 wing Tuesday, and when I tell you i think I got racnch dressing in my hair....Yea, the food was that good. If have a hard night in NOLA don't worry, they are on UberEats!

28. Ming Lee, owner of Snob Life 
Ming Lee is owner, stylist hair mogul and now new mom. She has certainly set the standard for elite beauty products in the Atlanta area, and certainly all over. She has expanded way past just virgin hair, and gone into books, lashes,lipglossetc. 

29. CeeJay the Mua, owner of Ceejay The Mua 
Chicago resident and mom of twin, Ceejay offer personable, and fun beauty experience. CeeJay has an extensive portfolio including  celebrity, bridal end editorial. Outside of working for herself she has  worked for Sephora, MAC,Ulta, Estee Lauder,etc.

29. Dru Thompson, owner of Dru Christine Fabrics and Design 
Thompson is a designer, entrepreneur,mentor and instructor in the Cleveland area. She runs a shop that offers her own designs, vintage items, and rare fabrics.

30. Mark Matthews, owner of The What Knot 
Menswear enthousiast, Mark Matthews is an expert on not only what not, and how to knot.  His shop located in downtown Cleveland offers a wide arrangement of ties, bowties, socks and speciality tees.

31. Mercedes Davis, owner of Bloom Spa  
Bloom offers a variety of plant based beauty and home products. Davis also operates as a licensed esthetician who prides herself using natural products. 

So this is my list, one amazing black business person for each day of the month, even though I am totally 17 days behind!This was such a hard list to compile,because I could brag for days about all the amazing beautiful brown people out here killing it. I could honestly do a part two?

Black Businesses Matter.

Monday, July 30, 2018


My name is Cookii..... and I'm a 'fixer'

(crowd says 'HI COOKII')  

Not on any Olivia Pope shit....Even though, I'm pretty sure the current administration could use my help.I'm pretty sure I couldn't do any worse..I'll save that blog for another day though.

More of Sinclair from 'Living Single' mixed with Iyanla Vanzant.....with a pinch of Cardi b (Okkkkurrr) . I give the best hugs, sound advice with a teaspoon of adorably colorful ratchet antidotes, sounds pretty accurate if you know me.

But seriously I've always had an unhealthy fascination with 'strays', bet it a friend, romantic interest, family member, whoever.... I just feel drawn to them.

As a kid, I would bring stray cats home and would try to feed them. 
Sounds noble ,right?
Almost adorable?
But I am terribly allergic to cats, so I still would bring them home in attempts to feed them milk and tuna (sidetone Im also allergic to tuna)... Whole entire time my eyes are damn near swollen shut,im breaking out and I almost look like 'Hitch'.
(Thank God, my mom doesn't read this or else she would kill me for feeding them)
After I would feed and love on these cats, they would leave.....often never to been seen again. 
(Interestingly enough, I later developed a fear of cats...... ) 

I tend to do the same thing with humans.... 
I pick the most damaged, emotionally unavailable , toxic human being and attempt to pour love, good energy and positivity in them.... Literally the human form of the strays that almost killed me as a child.
Once they are healed or received whatever was needed at the time, much like the cats, they leave..... often never to be seen again (typically returning to whatever f*cked up situation that lead them into being hurt)

The funniest part is despite knowing that the strays (both human and feline ) were harmful to me, I would still feel the need to indulge.... The need to love and nurture on someone, something that I know wasn't good for me , while suppressing my needs be it love, or Benadryl.... 
Cheering people on knowing I needed the same encouragement for my own accomplishments. 
I couldn't tell you how many times I have had to have a xanax after hours of phone conversations with friends, family members, and former parters because I given career, love, educational advice that I know they are going to listen to anyways.....

I have done this for so many years that I refuse to discuss 90% of what upsets me or actually verbalize what I need as a person, friend, child, partner or woman.  I internalize things and hide them under the burdens of those around me while they are probably killing me with their bullshit ( Benadryl does not work for bull shit allergies, trust me). I have silent meltdowns once I can no longer handle things in my own life or I have healed/nurtured all those around me and left myself with nothing to work with .....

And yes I am smart enough to articulate all of this but dumb enough to continue to let it happen... 
Yet brave enough to post it to my blog.... Maybe this is my subconscious trying to control the f*ck shit , I have been letting slide.....

As I continue on this journey that I have been on for the past few months (something that deserves its own blog at a later date), I have come to realize how important self care is, and how I can no longer  pour into situations that do me harm, especially ones with no emotional return......I have also realized that in my quest to heal the world, and feed the strays, I have made myself hard to love because I don't know how to let anyone care for me.

Getting back, and healing pieces of myself that I have given so freely to so many has been one of the hardest things I have ever done but there has been so much power in it. It hasn't been easy, there have been lots of uncomfortable moments, call out, unanswered calls/text,shut downs,meltdowns and ALOT of sage burning......

As a woman and certainly a black woman there aren't spaces for me to express frustration, hurt or pain, despite my cries for help because we are seen as having an attitude, angry, aggressive, etc.
So much like others, I give up on expressing myself, sharing somewhat important information (and I get my ass chewed out regularly for this) and creating boundaries.

I have had my fill of strays, the ones on four feet AND the ones on two feet... Time for me to experience the best parts of me.... The parts I've given away for so long.