Saturday, February 9, 2019

So much to say....
Just can't find the words to say it all.

Bear with me.


Sunday, February 3, 2019

I know who needs to hear this....

I forgive you..
For the physical abuse.

I forgive you,
For the lying, and for the cheating.

I forgive you, 
For making me feel like I was inadequate .

I forgive you ,
For making feel like the abuse you gave was deserved .

I forgive you,
For projecting your past trauma on me

I forgive you,
For accusing me of miscarrying what would have been our child.

I forgive you,
For leaving me when you said you would never.

I forgive you, 
For making me feel like love had to be that way

I forgive you,
For making me think that if I was smaller or prettier that things would be different

I forgive you,
For calling me 'broken'

Here is to a new week  life  


Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Hat or Hood?

Dear Black Gay Men,
I love you,
You are valued,
You are Kings..


This weeks attack on Jussie Smollett has left me sick to say the least....

*Prepare yourself for some more Cookii rambles...*

As a black woman I fear on the daily the fate of black men every time they leave their house,
As a friend to a lot of homosexual men, I worry about the world not seeing them for who they are and trying harm them because of who they love,
As a black woman with a lot of black male homosexual male friends, I fear the safety of my friends, brothers safety because they are not only black males, but also gay..... 

This attack has gone to show that this country has gone so far backwards that no matter how accomplished, how polished, how educated, how famous a black man is, he can still be the victim to someones caveman ass hatred.... He is still no higher than the derogatory slurs to describe him.

As we analyze this DOUBLE HATE crime, we see a divide in points of view.
An accomplished black man is recognized from his show, attacked, slurs regarding his race and sexuality are yelled, poured bleach on him  and a noose is put around his neck by men who claim 'MAGA' like its a street gang?
As I scrolled through social media, I watched white LGBT America call it a hate crime because he was gay, completely neglecting the fact that he is indeed a BLACK MAN,
 I watched black America call it a racist attack because he was black, 
I watched people who have never spoke out on an LGBT issue act like they were outraged by such a hate crime, (you know the ones that only cared because he is on Empire and have ignored the alarming numbers of trans women killed regularly)
I saw Queer POCs express feeling unsafe because of the attack on both, and a strong sense of 'if it could happen to him.....'
My heart sunk because even in this moment of sadness, in tragedy, there is still such a divide in this country, between minorities that we still can't see the core issue in this...... 
This is a crime of hatred on multiple levels, and none of which should be left out.

Never once in the history of this country have crimes against POCs ever been committed in the name of a President....And here we are in 2019 dealing with the same level of hate of our grandparents.....
As a millennial, I have the luxury to have seen gay marriage become legal, a black president,  interrogated schools ,etc. 
I was fortunate to have grown up in a suburb of Cleveland that encouraged diversity,and acceptance. 
I never understood the ideal of homophobia or racism, because my parents did not tolerate it.
I've played sports, sang with and sold girl scout cookies with children of all colors.
Hell ,as a child my dad said our home looked 'The United Nations' when our friends came over.
This is scary, and unacceptable. 
This isn't the life we, millennials know, and with the advances we have, that our grandparents didn't have...
It can only get worse and we are only two years in.
I pray that days of white hoods  red hats, walls and MAGA are soon behind us ,and that this country starts to heal as the cheeto moves out.

While there is part of me that is fed up.
Fed up with the treatment of the black LGBTs, who are often treated lower than  second class citizens because the face discrimination from everyone (white America, black America, the LGBT community- yea I said it, etc) 
Fed up with the treatment of POCs at the hand of fragile cisgender heterosexual white American males 
Fed up with the fact that POC men will kill each other over colors, yet won't touch the oppressor,
Fed up with homophobia, like seriously how gay is it that you are concerned with what two other people are doing in their bedroom.... if its not effecting your bag or salvation, why do you care?
Fed up with being fed up.... Tired of fearing for the lives of myself and people who look like me 

While I am NOT an advocate for violence, I am firm believer in the right to bear arms especially for female,POC, and LGBT communities. Trust and believe those red hats are not subs for bulletproof vest.With the alarming number of crimes against unarmed trans women,or just women in general, I am interested in knowing why our local LGBT and community centers do not host CCW and self defense classes.....Why? At what point do we take back our lives?

I have struggled all day with finishing this blog, because I'm just tired.
With talks of walls, red hats, MAGA, shutdowns, hate crimes...... I just don't even want to be on this planet anymore....

I wonder if my job can transfer me to Jupiter?

This post is dedicated to my snack pack from Cle to HTX to Col,
I love y'all.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

15 FAQs.....

Jan 2018 vs Dec 2018 
I haven't been able to get rid of that red shirt just yet, so some days I wear it around my waist

In the theme of transparency , I will answer some of the questions I get frequently (even some of the ones I said don't ever ask lol.) So here is the top 15 questions I am asked the most, in no real order...

1. When did you decide to have WLS and what made you do it? 
About 2.5 years ago I was in a relationship and we were planing to have a baby, I knew I was going to have a rough pregnancy due to some weight related health issues that I had..... So in an effort to start the kid off right I made the decision to take my pre opt health a bit more seriously ...I also wanted to break some generational health curses while utilizing things that I have learned about food as  I have gotten older.

2. Do you still plan to have kids?Can you have kids?
Yes, a Baby 'Crumb' is still the stars. However since I have had surgery, it has been suggested that I wait 18 months from the time because I will be a lower risk. Although I have seen lots of women have successful pregnancies in less time ,I am not in a super rush to give birth. I still plan to have a happy healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

3. What do you eat on the daily?
I eat random things, I don't deny myself anything because I just don't......  I still drink lots of green juice (that I make in the mornings), I try to stay away from breads, rice, and pasta as much as possible. I don't drink water like I used to because when I chug it , I get sick and full. My fridge is where take out and leftovers go to die because I get full and bored with food quickly

4. What kind of vitamins do you take?
I take biotin, b-12, calcium citrate, iron ,Flinstone chewables (with iron), a women probiotic and vitamin C daily.... I have to space my vitamin intake out because they can leave me full and even sick if I don't eat enough or take them in the wrong order. 

5. How often do you go to the gym?
Honestly? I never, lol...... I do walk daily, however I don't go to the gym (and I should because the wind just blew me cross the street)... Its on my list of things to do.....when the the weather breaks !!

6. What size are you now?
I am in a 14/16 now, which is crazy because I wore a size 22 this time last year ... I haven't bought shoes just yet but most of my shoes are getting bigger

7. Can you drink again?
So the drinking thing.... I haven't had any problems with actual alcohol consumption but due to my battles with depression, I try to limit my alcoholic intake 

8. How do you feel?
Most days I feel great, physically. Like I have said I have been battles with depression since surgery so I am currently re building mentally. Small things occasionally cause anxiety ,like shopping because I don't know where to start in the store, or seeing certain body parts that now look difference

9. Are you consider any type of plastic surgery?
Not seriously , I joke about it a lot but its a bridge I'll cross at a later time 

10. Are there anythings that you regret about surgery?
Yes, I have lost alot of hair (which is normal) and my damn mind( which is also pretty normal from what I hear). Which I have had to switch my product line up so I can slow down the hair loss.

11. Have your relationships changed? 
Yes and no.....Alot of my friends have been super super supportive, and others I haven't seen or heard from in months.. I am super sensitive these days, so as I am changing I try to give chances to people who may not know or understand.

12. What type of surgery did you have?
I had the vertical sleeve surgery, or in laymen terms, they cut a huge chunk of my stomach and its not the shape and size of a small banana 

13. Did it hurt?
Honestly....Not really, I hated the pressure that I felt when i came out of surgery. I started my period a few hours after I got out of surgery, but I didn't have cramps...I was on ALOT of pain meds,lol

14. Would you do anything differently ?
Yes, I wouldn't have gone through the process alone and let people in on my experience way before now. I went to all my doctors appointments alone, and actually considered going to surgery alone. I do believe my decision to be so quiet about this process has lead to me not feeling my best.

15. Did insurance cover it? How long were you out from work?
My insurance did cover it ,but not all companies do..... I was out from work 6.5 weeks, standard time is 4-6 weeks though

Jan 2018

**Please note, the answers given are from my own experiences ...Contact your insurance provider or physician for specific answers 

Saturday, January 19, 2019

So as I stated in my previous blog I had weight loss surgery........

The experience itself has been....uhhh life changing to say the least. The physical (and mental changes ) have been...interesting, lol.

But one of my biggest challenges outside of my emotional changes has certainly been fielding questions and comments of others when they hear about my 'lifestyle change'. Until recently I have been fairly private about what I was doing and intrusive questions being part of the reason.... 

So I have created a list of things you should STOP saying to people after weight loss surgery...
Granted everyone is different but certain statements/ questions you should kind of use some kind of discernment because at the end of the day this is a medical procedure that deserves sensitivity like anything else .

  • 'OMG, you weren't that big': The fact that you used the word 'that' means you have acknowledged my larger size (thanks,I guess) ,and unless you are a medical professional, your opinion isn't really needed 
  • 'Isn't this what you wanted?': I had expressed some concern with my body and mental changes, and I was hit with this question.... Yea, I wanted to be smaller, however I wasn't on board for losing my hair and my damn mind.
  • 'How much have you lost?';This is one of my favorites...Please DO NOT EVER ASK ANYONE THIS SHIT, because it can be quickly turned around into a 'How much have you gained?' ( I am that person these days, proceed with caution).
  • 'How much do you weigh?'; This is one of those questions you wouldn't have asked me as a pre opt size 22, so please DO NOT try it now..... This question can be extremely triggering to those who feel like they are not making their weight loss goal at a speed they want or see others lose. 
  • 'You know my baby mama sister auntie cousin Tracy had one of those surgeries ,and she gained her weight back'; First off, does Tracy know you are telling her business? Secondly there are 4 different types of WLS, and lastly, do not try to project whatever Tracy's experience is on me..
  • 'You can't eat that'; Do not food police me, while I am sure the concern about what I consume is genuine, its simply none of your business.... 
  • 'I know a girl who had that surgery, the doctor did this, and she died'; While I am sorry to hear of whomever, I am not her, her death is none of my business, and I hope her family sued....Please do not project the misfortunes of others on me and my journey.....This is a conversation I seem to be having more and more, the crazy part is the further I get into these conversations the less the actual deaths actually have to do with the damn surgery 
  • 'So when are you going to have kids?'; This question can be triggering for women who have or not had WLS period. Many wls patients have had issues with fertility stemming from their size and have opted this route in an effort to increase their chances which still might not even work.... 
  • 'You gonna finish that?'; I cannot stand going out to eat and someone sitting cross from me stalking my plate. I purchase adult size plates and live off leftovers, now unless you have paid for my meal that's a different story. 
  • 'You look sick'; Most wls patients were sick prior to surgery...Sick with high blood pressure, diabetes ,high cholesterol ,etc. WLS gives alot of people the ability to live medication free.Most of us are freeing ourselves from generational curses, or attempting to at least.
  • 'So what are you gonna do about ....': Stop asking people about hanging body parts, and plastic surgery, not only are drawing attention to changing body parts that are more than likely insecurity and random fact....plastic surgery is not covered by insurance 
  • 'I didn't think you were even big enough for one of those surgeries'; Most people think of these surgeries, think of 'My 600 pound life' and equate size to actual medical need. However there are several other factors that go into this, so trust no one is having this done for recreation because the insurance company damn sure wouldn't pay for it.
  • 'You don't need to lose anymore weight': WL patients have goals, personal and medical. Your opinions of how much they should or need to lose to aesthetically  please you is never mandatory ....Trust me. Furthermore, we often have control of the weight loss anyways.
While you may feel like you are just joking or realistically  inquiring about someones new life, you could actually be triggering someone in an already sensitive time in their life. 

All and all at this point in my journey I am able to express what I have done but still trying to respond  to questions, comments and concerns about Sheliah (my stomachs new name) in a constructive manner, which is to be expected I suppose. But advise you all to proceed with caution when inquiring  about  someone who has gone through this.... I mean who seriously wants to be an insensitive asshole?